I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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