dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
