If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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