I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize