I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
it's like iHOP with fire
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
