It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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