I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
