Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize