its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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