It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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