why didn't you poke me back
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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