My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
