The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
