you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
