i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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