Who wears a wallet chain?!
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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