five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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