just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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