I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
