We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize