His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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