I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
