She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
