the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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