At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
