it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
