youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
