his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
