I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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