I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The adults are the big ones right?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
