So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize