i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize