and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I want a musical about memes.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
