Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
