I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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