Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I think I am morally bankrupt
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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