Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
