i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I fill condoms, not promises.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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