i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
