i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize