Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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