It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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