I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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