I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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