proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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