My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Randomize
