So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
