I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
