i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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