no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
