I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
