idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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