after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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