I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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