hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
