I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
