I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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