how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
