Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The air taste purple.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
