I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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