I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
