he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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