that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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