can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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