Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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