Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
